Hell For Knowledge
by nameless guy
Summary: Serra attempts to force Matthew into becoming her vassal but Matthew gives her a different offer. Mark becomes her vassal and insanity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Hell for Knowledge

Chapter One: A Contract

Erk was currently a happy man. Priscilla had said that she "Wished that Erk would escort her forever." Yes Erk had fallen deeply in love with Priscilla and it looked like she to had feeling for him. Erk felt like his heart was about to beat so fast that it would fly out of his chest. She liked him she really did! Then Erk stopped. He heard a voice, nay an evil shrill. He tried to run but the evil beast was already upon him!

"Hi Erkyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!" Serra screamed as she jumped on to Erk's back and held on to him tightly.

"No get off of me you monster!" Erk yelled, while trying to free himself from his captor's grasp. Priscilla was supposed to meet him soon! He had to get to her on time or everything would be ruined!

"Is that anyway to talk to your master, vassal!" Serra said in a pompous voice while grabbing on to Erk even tighter.

Erk was still desperately trying to get his pink haired tormenter off his back, but to no avail. Things couldn't get any worse for Erk. Or that is what he thought until…..

"ERK!" a voice cried out.

Said person then turned around, Serra still clinging, and saw his love, Priscilla. Anger was on her normally compassionate face, along with the beginning of tears.

"Pr...r…ris.....Priscilla!" Erk said, startled.

"Oh I see what's going on here!" the red haired beauty said, with no trace of the happiness that her voice usually held. "You ju... p...p…play with wo…women's hearts don't you!" she said, tears welling up in her eyes.

"It's not what it-'' Erk began until Priscilla cut him off.

"DON'T TELL ME I CAN'T SEE WHATS GOING ON HERE!" she yelled. Priscilla then ran towards her tent as fast as her legs would carry her. Erk feebly tried to call out to her. Only after all of this occurred did Serra hop of Erk's back. Erk turned around to face her.

"You! Do you realize what you've done?"

"My my she is annoying isn't she?" said Serra, seemingly oblivious to what had occurred. You and Priscilla screaming…it's very loud here I and I think that so much noise will harm my delicate ears. See ya Erky!" said Serra in a happy and bouncy voice as she walked away.

Erk debated trying to go after Serra and setting her on fire but decided that more interaction with Serra wouldn't help him try to explain everything to Priscilla. So he decided to chase after her.

"Ok ok, everything will be fine; as long as I fix this before Raven-'' he started to say in an exasperated voice. Then he hit something hard and fell to the ground. He looked up to see a certain mercenary.

"Ra…Ra….Raven?!?" gasped poor Erk.

"Erk" spat Raven in the most hateful way possible.

"No you see..."

"I saw what happened, you betrayed Priscilla's trust!" Raven said. He then remembered that the fact that he was Priscilla's brother must remain a secret and then added "I can't take it when men play with a maiden's feelings!"

Erk's screams could be heard for kilometers as Raven unsheathed his sword.

"Seriously so much screaming!" said Serra, now on the other side of the camp.

"Matthew please!" a voiced yelled.

"Not unless you pay me!"

"I have no money!"

"Then the book remains mine!"

Mark leaned on a tree, exhausted. He had been chaseing Matthew for what felt like several hours.

"Please Matthew, I have been searching for that book for ever!" said Mark, in between gasps.

"Wow Mark you really are out of shape!"

Mark only remained leaning on the tree, gasping for air. He was about to begin chasing Matthew again when he heard a distant voice. It was sing-songish.

"la la la la la la la la la la la"

Mark knew that voice. He bolted in the opposite direction. Matthew had been to busy laughing at Mark to notice the voice and he looked at Mark's retreating form.

"What got into him?" he said, bewildered.

Then he turned his head towards the left and gasped.

"Oh, it's Matthew!"

Matthew's eyes widened in shock and he tried to run away. But he had tired himself from running away from Mark, and the book that he held had several thousand pages.

"Matthew I have a job for you!" said Serra in an excited voice.

"And why do I have to do a job for you?"

"Hector said you have to stay with me always! I am frail and I need to move a lot of things!"

"And this concerns me how?"

"Because Hector told me to get you to do it!"

Matthew sighed. It would be far easier to go with her then to argue, once at camp he would find Hector and hopefully he would save him from this.

As they walked into camp Matthew immediately spotted Hector. He bolted towards him, ignoring Serra's "Hey!"

"Hector is it true that I have to do something for Serra?"

The blue haired Lord looked at him and said plainly "Yup".

"What!"

"Look Matthew, all Serra wants you to do is move some stuff that she bought earlier from a wagon and bring them into her tent, it's not that hard! Besides she wanted me to do that and I realized that I have servants to do this kind of stuff for a reason."

Defeated, Matthew allowed Serra to drag him to the wagon. Upon arriving he did a double take. It was not just a wagon, it was several. All piled high with clothing, jewelry, staffs, magic tomes, and an assortment of other odd objects.

Matthew turned towards Serra, who was ideally playing with one of her pink pony tails.

"You heard Hector, start moving them!"

"But how in Elbe did you afford all of this crap!"

"Matthew don't cuss!"

"Ok, kindly tell me, how did you buy all of this?" said a very annoyed Matthew.

"Hector gave me the money!"

"WHY?"

"Don't yell Matthew, that's very mean!" Serra ironically yelled.

Matthew gave an angry sigh. He looked at Serra and then said softly and slowly

"Why did Hector give you the money?"

"Because I kept asking him for vassals and riches and then he said no so I kept asking and asking and asking and then he said 'go away Serra' and I didn't!" She replied rapidly "So then he got mad and threw a huge bag at me! I was soooooooo angry until I looked inside the bag and it had a lot of coins! He told me to go buy my own vassals and jewelry and stuff!"

Matthew was speechless. He turned towards the gigantic pile of stuff and began to unload it, pack by pack, staff by staff, bag by bag. This repetitive process lasted hours, with Serra's constant commentary. By the end of it, around five hours later, he was ready to lay on the ground and die. Then if possible the situation got even worse.

"Hay, I forgot to buy a vassal while I was in town!" Serra said.

Matthew's eye twitched, he knew what was coming.

"Matthew you are my vassal!"

Matthew got up and started screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

"Matthew I told you to stop screaming!"

"You can't make me!"

Serra eyed Matthew dangerously. He gave a smirk.

"Then I won't stop following you around, even when you sleep!"

Matthew's reply was lost. Serra…..following him around….ALL THE TIME! No no no….He couldn't take this, he would go insane. Then he looked at the book he had left on the ground before he had begun to unload Serra's' absurd amount of things. It was titled Tactics throughout History-The Complete Set. A light blub went up over Matthew's head.

"Wait Serra I have an offer, something better then me as a vassal!"

Serra raised an eye brow.

"What could possibly be better then a vassal?"

"What if…" he said, putting on his business man voice, "I could get you a different vassal?"

"Really Matthew?"

"Yes yes!" said Matthew excitedly

"Oh Matthew you would really do that for me!"

"Yes I would, just give me an hour!"

Serra thought for a moment and then said

"Ok, but if you are lying I won't ever stop following you!"

Matthew grabbed the large book while saying "I won't disappoint you Serra, just wait here at your tent!"

He then ran off towards the center of camp.

Mark sighed. He had always wanted that book. Heck he had even once bought what he thought was a copy, until he opened it and found out that is was just a large dirty book. He had no money left to spend on water and had fainted on the plains. If Lyn hadn't found him he would have died for nothing. Then the brown haired thief walked into his tent.

"Matthew?" Mark said startled. He had the book in his hands, had the greedy thief really come to give him it? He doubted it.

"Don't taunt me with that book Matthew; I won't chase you for your amusement." He spat.

"But Mark" Matthew said in a surprisingly happy voice "I intend to give this book to you"

Mark turned around quickly

"Really?!"

"Yes but you have to do a favor for me."

Mark's eyes narrowed.

"A favor? Just like the favors you have Guy do for you?"

"This isn't for me, it's for a friend"

"Who?"

"Serra"

"What do I have to do?"

Matthew was surprised to say the least; he thought it would take a while to convince Mark. But then again Mark hadn't got nearly as much of Serra as Matthew and other members of the army had.

"You must be her vassal, for a month."

Although Serra wanted a vassal forever he was sure that she would get used to having Mark around and thus would follow him. His plan was genius!

"Deal!" Mark said excitedly

"Ok Mark the deal is that at the end of the month you get the book okay?"

"Sure, sure!"

Mark was so close to the book he had searched for since he was fifteen. Soon it would be his! If Matthew tried to double-cross him he would get Eliwood or Hector to enforce the bargain, they usual kept the army in order.

Mark and Matthew arrived at Serra's tent; she was sitting on the wagon with a piece of paper in her hand. She looked up and said

"Matthew, your back a lot sooner then you said you would be!"

"Well I encountered a lot less trouble then I thought."

Serra looked behind Matthew and saw Mark. Matthew stepped aside and pointed to Mark, while Mark was still staring at the book still in Matthew's hands.

"Behold Serra, your new vassal Mark!"

Serra bounced up and down happily.

"Ohhhhh thank you Matthew! I thought you would just run away from me and not bring me anything but you brought me a vassal that I have seen in action! Now let me see I have a contract…"

Matthew gulped. Poor Mark, he didn't know what he was getting himself into. Simply put the man was doomed.

"Now Mark, sign right here!" said an excited Serra.

Mark signed it like and zombie and failed to read even a sentence of the document. Upon seeing this Serra's smiled became even wider. Matthew could only slowly walk away, silently praying for Mark's sanity. The results of this where sure to be interesting…

Author's Area

Well there it is, the first Chapter of Hell for Knowledge. Did it suck? Was it boring? Did it make your day great? I want to know. I didn't have a beta for this, nor am I sure I want one until I get some feedback on this. I'm hoping for a pretty good amount of hits and a few reviews, probably three at most. Five if I am lucky. So tell me how you liked the chapter by pressing that little "review" button. Sorry if it was a little short, this is the first chapter after all. If you have any suggestions I'll listen.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: **Nameless is not responsible for undone homework/chores that you ignored while reading this story.

Hell for Knowledge

Chapter Two: More Opinions!

_The day after the contract was signed………._

Mark was lying on the cold, but surprisingly soft, dirt. He still had his brown cloak on along with a blanket, outside of Serra's tent. Now Serra apparently wanted her vassals close but not to close, namely not inside of her tent. Now Mark didn't mind not being forced to sleep inside Serra's tent. For one the endless chatter about Mark and Serra being in the same tent together alone for an entire night would be pretty bad. But he almost would have preferred that to being forced to sleep on the ground.

He grudgingly accepted this, as termination of said vassal ship would lead to Mark not getting the book he wanted, no required to continue is existence. Although Mark normally thought about things rather deeply he didn't on this matter. He needed book. To get book he must go through vassal ship to Serra. Thus no matter what occurs it will not matter as long as he acquires said book. To him it was simple.

Now he had endured sleeping on the ground before so it had just taken a little getting used to. He had slept and gotten rest. Not the best rest of his life mind you but still some. Mark was also an early riser, which was good because he knew Serra to be one as well from Erk's complaints about her screaming 'Erky!!!" at five in the mourning.

Mark stirred himself from under the sheet and did his regular "run hand through hair and claim it is combed" routine. He was overly excited for someone who had a month with Serra to look forward to. Mark didn't see it that way. I mean how bad could it be? Lifting things wouldn't be that hard, sure he sucked at physical activities but he would live. Carry stuff she buys and other odd things. Poor Mark had no real idea about what Serra intended to have him do….

Unknown by the armies' tactician, Serra had in fact been so overjoyed about her new vassal that she stayed up late and woke up even earlier that she usually did. She was debating what Mark's first act as her official vassal would be. After all his first order that he got from someone as graceful and wonderful as she must leave an impression on him. After all her vassal must also learn things from her, so that became more efficient and better serve her in the future. After all she couldn't allow her vassal to be dumb or talentless. That's why she always tried to get Erk or Matthew to be her vassal instead of Bartre. A stupid vassal could lift things but not think about how better to serve her. It made perfect sense.

Then it hit her. She would teach him something that she knew that he could never know how to do and probably would never be able to do without being taught by her. That way Mark would gain another talent and thus be better able to serve her as well as become a more valuable vassal. She grabbed a small bottle and walked outside where she had ordered him to sleep.

Mark had just finished his mutilation of his hair style as Serra walked out. She gave his hair a look before making another mental note on things to teach her vassal, who appeared to be far more hapless then she previously thought him to be.

"I have some work to do before he is fit to be a vassal to someone as wonderful as myself…" Serra thought to herself.

Mark turned around upon hearing the tent flap open and the sound of Serra's light footsteps. Mark briefly thought it odd that such a frail looking person would be so feared by powerful mages (Erk), stealthy spies (Matthew) and large axe wielding men (Hector). Remembering that he was suppose to be her vassal he bowed and said

"Hello Serra"

Serra smacked him on the head with her staff. The sound of glass hitting skull was heard. Mark gave a yelp which reminded Serra of a sort of dog. Undeterred by the sound she gave him her trade mark pout look and reminded him

"That's Miss Serra to you! Or you can call me Master….or mistress….or oh beautiful one…. Or kind and loving graceful lady….or perhaps….."

Serra was off and their was no bringing her back to Earth…err I mean Elbe. Mark could only be grateful for this brief lull after the bashing of his skull which allowed him to rub it, which further caused his brown hair to look even worse. Mark cared little about appearances though. Thinking it best to correct his mistake before Serra was shaken out of her little world and decided to bash his skull in again.

"Yes Lady Serra, I'm sorry Lady Serra."

Serra was shaken out of her world and was brought back to reality.

"Mark I have my first job to assign you!" Serra stated, ignoring his apology completely.

Mark was simply happy about not being smacked again and followed Serra's lead into her tent. Serra sat on a small mat and seemed barely able to hold back her glee.

"Now Mark you are most likely a completely worthless vassal at this point." She said, a little too frankly. Mark was clearly annoyed but Serra either did not notice or chose to ignore him. "But as I am very charitable and kind I have chosen to teach you how to be better at basic little things I need to be able to do." Serra clearly thought that Mark should have been over taken by her kindness. Mark clear struggled to keep his expression straight. He wasn't used to being called useless.

"And what skill would that be?" he said, still trying to sound unannoyed.

Serra held out a small bottle filled with pink liquid.

"You want me to be able to create poisons?'

Mark was smacked on the head by Serra's staff for the second time in five minutes, this time in his forehead. Mark silently cursed allowing her to buy the extra durable staff. Serra decided to wait for Mark to regain his attention before continuing. Once Mark was done holding his forehead she began to talk again.

"This is nail polish, Mark. I expect you to be able to apply it well as I have already done the nail buffering step for you… in guess I shouldn't have but one step at a time I guess as you are rather slow…" Mark was now biting on his tongue "So get to it!"

Serra tossed Mark the bottle. Poor Mark had absolutely no experience with anything remotely close to such beautification things…. Heck he had almost no experience with anything to do with women at all, unless ordering them to go around and slice people in two counted.

Stilled Mark though highly of himself and believed that such an activity should be rather easy. After all he was only putting some colored pigment on a ten finger nails, how hard could it be? He did all ten fingernails in near record time and in the process got some of it on Serra's pastel skin. Mark then put the cap back on the bottle and smirked in triumph. Serra hadn't really been paying any attention to Mark's activities as she was idly playing with her hair, examining and twirling it. As Mark placed the cap back on the bottle she decided to look at her nails.

"Done already? Lets see how y-" She stopped midsentence. Their was pink polish, not just on her nails but also on her fingers. In addition the polish on her nails was applied in conflicting ways, some strokes where horizontal, others where more vertical and still others where diagonal.

"Marrrkk…do you believe this job is acceptable?" she said in a low and dangerous voice. Apparently Mark failed to pick up on this. He said the worst thing possible in this situation.

"Yup"

Serra brought her staff over her head. Mark fell backwards and attempted to raise his arms over his head. But Serra didn't bring the staff down as she had done before. Instead she lowered it slightly. Her face went into that of thought. Mark looked up in confusion.

"I guess this is my fault…." Serra sighed… "I didn't show you what to do before hand…"

Mark now was extremely glad as for one he was not going to be smacked again. And two it appeared that Serra was far more negotiable then Matthew thought her to be. The way things where going the book would be his in no time!

Then Serra's arm reached out and grasped Mark's hand. She pulled him forward, which result on him smacking down on the ground.

"I must now demonstrate the correct technique!" She began to buffer a nail on Mark's hand, despite his protests. As he trashed around more and more like a fish out of water Serra became further annoyed.

"Stop your trashing, how else can I teach you!" Serra squealed as she used her free army to repeatedly smash Mark's head.

"I GAH do GAH not GAH want GAH pink GAH finger GAH nails GAH!" Mark yelled as Serra brought the staff of doom on his head repeatedly. Refusing to give up on her 'teaching' the technique of nail polishing Serra tried harder to prevent Mark's protest. Soon Mark's view of the world became distorted and blurry. He attempted to reason with her, while still having his world distorted from repeated head smashing.

"You only have to do one not 20 of my fingers for me to gettttt itttt erghhhh" he said as he lost consciousness.

"Oh great, now he can't observe it in action!" However soon Serra had a new idea. Once Mark woke up she would have to tell him where he went wrong…. But she then had another idea. Why just have one opinion? Why not have more? She would get more women to see and compare her and Mark's fingernails! It was brilliant!

It wasn't that Lyn didn't love Rath. There was just one problem in their relationship. Rath either refused to laugh, or just simply didn't know how to. Either way it was starting to seriously annoy her. What's more is that her efforts to teach/make Rath laugh where all failing abysmally.

"GAGA GAG COUGH GAG" was pretty much as far as Lyn had gotten. Poor Rath was trying the best he could, but he had only managed to cough while smiling.

Mark awoke to a rather odd feeling. It kind of felt nice at first, like a back massage. Or it was until a rather sharp rock was included in said massage.

Mark gave an odd yelp and then registered that he was being dragged. He opened his eyes to see Serra's white cleric robes. Serra was dragging him…how predictable. Before he had a chance to question Serra he was thrust in the air. Serra had obviously intended him to land on his feet, which didn't really work out as he landed on his back (on yet another rock to Mark's disappointment, he can't even be thrown in a soft area).

Serra on the other hand was rather pleased, as seen had just spotted Lyn. She skipped over to her, completely ignoring her vassal's groans of pain.

"Lynnnnn" Serra squealed, kind of like a small child squealing for a mother. Now Lyn wasn't terrified of Serra like a lot of people in the army, at times she found her annoying but in her opinion Hector was far more of a bother.

However as Lyn turned around Serra began to skip to the right, and sure enough Lyn saw about a meter or so to her left was Mark, laying face down. Serra grabbed on to both of Mark's arms and proceeded to drag him towards Lyn.

"Lyn I need your help!"

"Torturing our tactician?"

"No, well at least not right now. I mean in the future maybe…"

The green haired lord gave an anime style sweat drop.

"Anyways Lyn I need your opinion on this. Who's nails are better, mine or Mark's? He did mine and they didn't come out right!"

Lyn managed to turn her laugh into a sort of coughing sound . It wasn't everyday that you hear such….odd things.

"I know the job is laughable! Now look at _his_ nails. I did them, aren't they sooooo much better!"

At this point Lyn had to bite on her glove to prevent herself from laughing out loud at Mark's…..quandary if you will. In addition Mark had regained consciousness in time to see Lyn giggleing at his situation. And if this wasn't bad enough Rath had stopped gagging and had come to see what was happening.

"Lyn,I think I almost got it rig-" Rath paused midsentence. He first saw a giggling Lyn, and then a hurt looking Mark and then Serra and that brought his eyes down to what she was holding, Mark's hand. Mark's hand had bright pink nail polish on every nail, carefully applied.

"Pa ca gag cough ha heh"

"Is Rath choking on something?" asked a rather confused Serra.

Rath began to do something that he had not ever done in all his years on Elbe. He _laughed. _This was to much for Lyn. She started laughing hysterically, to the point that she needed to use Rath as support, lest she fall.

Serra pulled Mark away from the scene in anger. Mark's self esteem was completely broken at this point.

His pink haired captor however seemed very angery.

"They shouldn't have laughed like that!" growled a very angry Serra

"Really?" said a now enthusiastic Mark. One person feeling sorry for him would certainly make him feel a lot less bad at this point.

"Of course, my job on your nails was PERFECT! How DARE they laugh at it!"

Yeah his self-image had just been completely and utterly destroyed.

**Author Note Time!**

Well it came out later then wanted it to. I cite holidays and finals as my defense. So accept this Christmas present. Or Hanukah. Whatever generic holiday you celebrate I guess.

If you want to know when this story will be next updated then just check my account bio. I keep it pretty much updated and it says when I will update my stories and stuff.


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